Understanding myself
by Colladore
Summary: Set two months after Alex enters Division. Her heart makes a turn for the worse and she feels like the mission is doomed to fail. Michael/Alex *ON HIATUS*


_(You're the only one who knows that)  
Someday, somehow I'm going to make it  
alright but not right now,  
I know you're wondering when._

"He never really told you the truth, did he?" I met Nikita's cold eyes, the pain in my arm was nothing. I barely felt it but as for the pain in my heart. That hurt. I felt like I was dying.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Denial had never been my specialty.

"Alex, you should know better than to lie to me. Michael never told you. But how could he have?" Nikita looked down at Michael, a grin showing on her face, "You are just a kid, he couldn't tell you about his feelings for me, or his feelings for you." She clearly heard my gasp.

"What?" I knew I shouldn't listen to her, Nikita always was good with the words.

"Well, you are what? 19?20? He is a bit older than you, you're just a kid to him and to me," She kneeled in front of me, letting her gun touch my cheek. It burned, I could hear my skin melting from the warmth, "He loves me, always has, always will. And now, you're trying to steal him from me." I didn't know what to say, what to feel. I was scared to death. This was not like Nikita.

"Nikita, I'm sorry for whatever I've done, but I haven't tried stealing him from anyone. I like him but I didn't do anything, I've completed the mission you gave me!" A moan sounded from beside me, I suddenly stared into the eyes of Michael. "Michael, you're awake.." Nikita raised her eyebrow and stood up, she yawned.

"Boring. Michael, take a look at her. She looks like me, right? Is that why you have feelings for her? Is that why you got attached to her? Because she acts and looks like me?" Michael sat up slowly, blood running down his face.

"Nikita, take it easy, put the gun down." Michael clenched his fist as Nikita loaded the gun, "Please." She only laughed at him.

"Just answer my god damn question and I won't have to kill her." Alex stared at Nikita, hose gun was aimed at my head. Shivers went down my spine.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Nikita. I'm sorry." I didn't know what I had done wrong, or why she was like this. The Nikita I knew would never have hurt me.

"The truth is I have feelings for her. And yes, at first it was because she was like you. You always had your way of drawing people in, she's the same. But then I noticed your differences and I like Alex better than I like you. Are you happy now?" Nikita sat down.

"For now." Her cold eyes met mine and she grinned at me. Suddenly everything went black.

Chapter 1

ENEMIES PATTERN

My name is Alex, I work for an assassin called Nikita. When I was little she saved me from a fire in our house. My family died, but I lived. Ever since she's been watching over me and a year ago she saved me once again. She cleaned me up, gave me a reason to live and let me help her with her mission, to take down Division. 2 months ago I entered Division, with the help from Nikita. Ever since I've been trained to become an assassin and together me and Nikita will destroy this place.

A month ago my friend Thom was selected to do an OP, the worst is that he graduated. Graduating inside the Division means that you kill someone. If you don't succeed with your mission you will be canceled, which also means that you die. A lot of things inside here hold the keyword for Death, it's horrible how everyone throws themselves at the OP's that are given out to everyone. I feel like this is not just a place for assassins, it's a place for murderers and psychopaths. And I don't belong in here.

When I first came here I was introduced to Michael, he is kind of like my mentor. He is the one who gives me my OP's and he's the one who takes care of me. And he is the one whose ruining me and Nikita's plans. It makes me want to laugh since it probably isn't even with intention, since he doesn't even know what he's doing to me. When he whispers in my ear, my legs crumble beneath me, when his hand touches my arm, I feel like my lungs are giving in, but yesterday was the worst thing ever. I accepted my graduation OP and he was going to teach me how to best kill with a needle on the dummy. He held me in his arms to show me how to be positioned, how to stab the needle in the dummy's throat. My hand in his. Gosh, I felt like the world stood still, then Birkhoff interrupted us, telling Michael he was needed elsewhere. Michael leaned in closer to me, told me how good I was doing and smirked. He smirked at me before he walked away. Smirked! Since when do agents smirk?

And after that it only became worse…

I was chatting with Nikita telling her about this new mission when this happened:

**Alex:** Why send agents to the Plaza? That place is always crowded.

**Nikita:** I'm guessing it's someone important. Michael once told me about their VIP's.

**Alex:** VIP's?

**Nikita:** Yeah, special people who they do favors for, in return they get money. A lot of it.

**Alex:** Why would they send Thom then? I mean, he's a rookie.

**Nikita:** I don't know, think you can get it out of him?

**Alex: **I could always try.

**Nikita: **Good work, how are you doing then?

I could hear the echoes from footsteps in the hallway, fear got the better hand of me.

**Alex:** Got to go now, someone's coming. Cya.

I pressed esc and stood up, I had no idea of where I could hide in this total darkness. And it was after bedtime. None of the recruits were supposed to be up now, If they found me I could get in so much trouble. I sneaked a peek but saw no one where I had heard those footsteps. My breathing became heavy as I started sneaking back into my room and suddenly a figure appeared right in front of me and I walked into it. We stumbled down to the floor. It took me a moment to realize that I lay on top of this person.

"I'm sorry!" I said, standing up. I tried to offer my hand my he just knocked it away.

"Alex, what are you doing up?" I thought I'd recognized that heavy breathing. Of course it was him. Who other than him could it possibly be?

"Michael. I'm sorry, I was going to the bathroom but I lost my way." I could hear him sight in the darkness. And when I thought about it, it never was this dark in here during the night. There was always some kind of light. "Why is it so dark?" I asked suddenly, knowing I shouldn't.

"That's what I'm finding out." He said, "I was searching for the fusebox when I heard your footsteps, so I quenched my flashlight then I bumped into you, and now I have no idea where it is." He grunted.

"I'm going back to my room now." I tried to sneak away when his arm flew out in front of me and stopped me from going anywhere. "You're staying. Hope you're not afraid of the dark." He snorted with a hint of sarcasm. I released myself from his grip.

"Yeah, and pigs can fly. Why do you need me?" I asked and tried to sound annoyed, but really I was kind of flattered and happy about joining him.

"I just want to keep an eye on you, can't have you wandering around in here." It felt like a really bad excuse for 'I'm a bit afraid of the dark, please come with me'. I felt a giggle come and I tried to hold it inside but he heard it, turning fast towards me. "What?" Was all he said, which only made me giggle even more. It was terrible that I couldn't stop. "What are you giggling for?" I took a deep breath.

"Sorry, I guess I'm a bit tired, sir." He simply snorted and started walking.

"Keep up." He said shortly, I knew that he was mad, well, actually, who wouldn't be? I would be mad if someone started giggling at me. I took another deep breath to calm myself, which was bad cause the smell of his perfume entered my sense of smell and I could feel myself crumbling down into nothingness. I shook my head hard and followed his steps in the darkness. If I really thought that something might happen between the two of us I was so very wrong. All that could ever happen between the two of us would be make-believe. I could never fall for him. If I were to fall for him then everything would have been in vain. Michael suddenly stopped in front of me and once again I walked right into him, but this time he caught me. Our faces just about an inch from each other. My heart was thumping so loudly that I could swear he heard it. But he just helped me up. "Watch your step." He said and continued forward. I never really understood him.

I tried to calm my nerves, my feelings and my hormones but none of them were listening to me today. It seemed like I would just have to continue this with a handicap. So I tried to ignore the warmth I felt in my trousers, my loudly thumping heart and the butterflies in my stomach. This was not like me.


End file.
